What Are You Waiting For?

Dear People of America,

Hooray! You can all come out now. That's right, come on out!

I'm happy to announce that it's all over. Really! We're opening up all the stores and the restaurants, and - what's that you say? The virus? Oh, it's all gone. For now. So we need everyone to come on out and start acting like it never happened. In fact, we're about to make it illegal to stay home, just to be sure you get out there and do your duty.

What do you mean, you're afraid? You don't want to get sick? You're a wimp, that's what you are. Americans are STRONG. And put that mask down. Masks are for sissies. Now stop cowering inside, you pathetic wuss, open the door and stride confidently out into the world. The American economy needs you.

Come on, let's head over to the nearest bus stop Step up and move in close, and join the folks filing on.

Boy, it's sure packed in here. Isn't it great to see things are getting back to normal at last? It feels so good to be sitting here, all close together, breathing the same air.

You look uncomfortable. Aren't you having fun?

I wish that guy over there in the next aisle would stop coughing. He sounds sick or something. Well, maybe he's one of those 'unavoidable losses' you keep hearing about in the news. Let's change the subject, shall we? Oh, here's our stop!

Isn't it wonderful to see so many people going back to work? The streets are full of people - funny, lots of them seem a little worried. Can't think why! It's so inspiring to think of all of your fellow Americans, heading back to work at the meat packing factories, and waiting tables at the restaurants, and crowding together, working hard to get the economy humming again.

Now for your first assignment: shopping! Pick out the most crowded store you can find, and make sure to stand right next to all the other shoppers in line. If someone on the staff asks you to put a mask on, it's your American right to refuse and punch them once or twice, just to make your point.

What do you mean, that's horrible? It's your freedom that matters. It's not like you're endangering anyone, right? What's more important, their lives and their family's, or your freedom to breathe your germs on everyone?

OK, now that you're done shopping, here comes the next part: you're going out to eat at a buffet. See that one over there, with the line of people waiting? They've got great food, spiced with a little invisible garnish with a two-week aftertaste.

You're worried about getting sick? Jeez, would you stop complaining? Listen, even if you get the virus, which you won't, because it's all just fake news, no one's ever DIED of it. I mean, only a few. Well, a few hundred thousand or so, but a lot more die of, um, getting hit by a golf cart, or infections from paper cuts. So it'll be fine!

And it's going to magically go away in the summer, or the fall, or someday. So quit your whining and go in there and sit down and eat. And smile, for heaven's sake. You look like someone's pronouncing your death sentence or something.

Now, after supper, let's go fetch the rest of your family and take them to a movie, what do you think? And then you could stop by your grandparents' house to say hi, and -

Hey, wait! Where are you going? Come back!