Those Annoying Earthlings

Well, even in these crazy times humans still keep on exploring, and this month we watched the newest Rover Explorer make a perfect landing on Mars. Soon it will start collecting soil samples, looking for signs of ancient life. And this time we'll even be sending out a remote-control drone, taking the first ever flight on another planet!

But did you ever stop and wonder - If there was intelligent life on Mars, how would they feel about us? I mean, think about it - we've been orbiting their planet for years and sending down machines to wander around, taking pictures like weird, silent tourists and scooping up their dirt like souvenirs. If it was your planet, how would you feel?

Let's find out! You, lucky human, are going to sit in on the most popular talk show on the red planet, Good Morning, Mars!

* ZAP *

We're here at the MBC (Mars Broadcasting Company) studio, in their main auditorium. It's blindingly bright, and the noise is deafening, with honks, squeals, and roars from all sides. The seats are packed with Martians from every branch of the evolutionary tree: seven-foot-tall Denubians, with four heads and twelve tentacles, Borgian sand slugs with wriggling antennae, Fluvian lava lizards with flickering tongues and more. Above, swarms of Dyslopian Morphylods are showing off, forming shifting shapes and flashing their rows of lights to appreciative hoots from the crowd.

Now the lights dim, the music begins, and the audience breaks into a roar of applause, hums and waving tentacles, as the most famous talk show host on Mars, Grimnox Scribbs, leaps onto the stage.

His scaly skin ripples with color as he grips the microphone in one of his many arms, waving with the others. His two heads nod and smile with flashing neon teeth as his tail whips to and fro. Seated nearby are several guests, looking somewhat nervous.

Grimnox Scribbs smiles two bright green smiles.

Scribbs: GOOD MORNING, MARS!! (The audience roars in response, and the Morphylods form a heart emoji in the air above.) And welcome, everyone, to today's show. Our topic is - Those Annoying Earthlings! (another roar from the audience.)

Well, as you know, those pesky Earthlings have done it again! The humanoids on Sol III have dropped yet another primitive piece of machinery onto our beautiful red planet! (Boos and hisses fill the hall until he gestures for silence.)

Of course, this isn't the first time. I know at first we all thought it was amusing. We've enjoyed watching their contraptions trundle around, scooping up dirt and taking pictures. We've managed to keep our young ones from taking selfies and mooning their cameras. But I think we would agree that this is starting to get old. Right?

Audience: RIGHT!!

Scribbs: Are you sick of having to hide when the stupid cameras point your way? (a roar from the crowd.)

Scribbs: Was it fair that the entire town of Corba VII had to be hidden by video screens for six years until the camera's batteries ran out? (The audience shouts its disapproval. One of the sand slugs stands on its seat to make a rude gesture with its antennae. It teeters and falls onto a Bungarian cactus worm in the next seat, causing a minor scuffle.)

Scribbs: But this latest development is a whole new ball game, because now they've brought a little "flying machine" with them. It won't be any good positioning screens around their stupid devices - now they'll be able to hover over us! Soon, if we don't take action, they'll be flying over our cities! Our crater parks! Our lava resorts! We've got to take action before it's too late, right?

Audience: RIGHT! (They roar, gnashing their teeth and squirting indignant ooze.)

Scribbs: Now, as we always do, we'll start by taking a few calls from our listeners. (He points to a grubworm at stage left, who nods and plugs a wire into the switchboard.)

Voice: (breathless and excited) Hi, um, I just want to say you're wonderful, Grimnox, and I have all your books! (Grimnox smiles a bright smile and nods graciously.) And, um, I think we should let the Earthlings know we're here.

Scribbs: You do? And why is that?

Voice: Well, they're so cute! I mean, just two legs, what's up with that?? We should ask them to come here, and then, like, put them in zoos or something.

Scribbs: Hmm. Interesting. Well, thank you. Next call?

Voice (deep and husky): Yes, it's Mairu Xorbb calling. (The audience groans. Scribbs rolls his eyes.) I feel very deeply about this issue, and have composed a musical piece called "Ode to a Biped" which I'd like to share. It only has 230 verses. It begins -

Scribbs: (hastily) I'm sorry, Ms. Xorbb, but we're out of time. Perhaps another show, all right? (a sigh of relief from the audience)

Scribbs: (gesturing to the guests) Today we've invited several experts to help us understand the Earthling problem. I want to start with Professor Vongrob Snobleg, Dean of the Interplanetary University on Neptune. Let's give the Professor a hearty welcome! (The audience obliges with lashing tails and waving tentacles.)

Scribbs: Professor, first of all, let's review: why was it decided to conceal our presence from the humanoids on Earth?

(The Professor, a large, spotted, slug-like creature, clears his throat.)

Professor: Well, Grimnox, we really hadn't paid much attention to the humanoids on Sol III until quite recently. Those biped creatures are primitive and excitable; in fact, some of our - ah, younger members have often enjoyed taking quick trips over to that planet to leave rude messages in their agricultural fields. (laughter)

However, the situation changed, as you know. The two-legged humanoids began to develop primitive interplanetary technology. Soon they were sending over machines to photograph our planet. When the first one landed and began to explore the terrain, there was widespread panic! (murmurs of agreement from the audience)

Scribbs: That was when the Earthling Anti-Visitation Council was held, am I right?

Professor: Yes. There were many days of heated discussion. And the decision of that solemn Council was that we would never, ever let those humanoids know we were here. As far as the biped humanoids were concerned, Mars would forever be a dead, dry planet.

Scribbs: But why?

Professor: (snorts in disgust) Well, really! Do I need to answer that? I mean, look at them! They're clever, I suppose, tinkering with their machinery, but are they intelligent? Look at the way they treat their own planet! If we let them move here, they'll ruin it! (he shakes his head) I wouldn't put it beneath them to start shipping their garbage over here! Plus, need I remind you that they're infectious? Who's to say they wouldn't bring that pandemic they're struggling with over here along with them? (The audience gasps in horror.)

Scribbs: Interesting. Thank you, Professor. Now, some Martians have been of the opinion that perhaps we should let them know we're here. We're more advanced, after all, and we should give them the benefit of our experience and maturity. To address this, we've invited Nutraff Slorkk, the President of the Universal Philosophers Convocation. Professor?

A large, insect-like form in a robe stands.

President Slorkk: Ahem. Yes. This is a deep, deep question. What is our responsibility to the other, more primitive planetary creatures in our solar system? Should we ignore them, or aid them in their growth? Ahem. We've tried, heaven knows! We've offered classes on basic Planetary etiquette to the dust mites on Neptune. We've held Universal Language seminars for the lava grubs on Pluto. Disasters, all of them! (The Professor's antennae tremble with indignation. The audience murmurs in sympathy.)

Slorkk: Ahem. So we finally - reluctantly - decided to stop trying. Primitive species need to find their own way, at least until they mature enough to be ready to cooperate with other forms of life.

Scribbs: What about the humanoid Earthlings? Do you think they're ready?

The President sighs, takes off its glasses and begins to clean all ten lenses with a cloth-covered tentacle.

Slorkk: Well, Mr. Scribbs, I don't know. I mean, they can't seem to even get along with other bipeds. They seem to have a strange obsession with the color of their outer surface that makes no sense! For creatures that need so badly right now to work together, they seem lost. So should we avoid them, or reach out to help?

Scribbs: Hmm. Thank you, Professor. (He turns to the audience.)

Well, folks, as you know, our Mars High Council is holding an emergency meeting to decide what should be done about this latest challenge. I know we'll all be interested to see what happens next. That's about all the time we have, so I want to thank our guests, our callers and our wonderful studio audience. Join us tomorrow for our next show, Interstellar Travel for Dummies. Until then, stay safe, watch out for dust storms, and whatever you do, stay away from those Earthling cameras!

* ZAP *

As you can see, our presence on our neighbor planet hasn't exactly made us any friends. I wonder what the High Council will decide?

Footnote: Breaking News: Mars Rover Mission Runs Into Trouble

Scientists at NASA announced today that the Mars Rover's remote-controlled drone has, for some reason, lost power and is no longer functional. Says NASA representative Colonel J. R. Dobbes, "We're very disappointed, of course; the drone would have allowed us to explore so much more of the surface. It's very odd, actually. It's almost as if it had been - well, unplugged!"