The Everyone Olympics

I'm sure many of you were as saddened as I was when this summer's Olympics were cancelled. No gymnasts, no swimmers, no breathless hush before the dive or roars of appreciation at the perfect landing. The stadium will sit empty and silent. Athletes who've spent years preparing will have to set aside their dreams of glory, hoping that next year we'll be able to gather again.

So if you, like me, have been grieving about one more lovely thing lost to the pandemic, I'll try to lighten your spirits a bit.

Announcing: THE EVERYONE OLYMPICS! EVENTS FOR EVERYDAY PEOPLE LIKE YOU AND ME!!

Opening: As the show begins, the Olympic anthem is heard, and the camera zooms in on a couple in their 50s or so, sitting in their living room. The painting behind them is slightly crooked. They smile brightly at the camera. The man speaks first:

Alan: Good evening, folks, and welcome to the 2020 Everyone Olympics! I'm Alan Stottlemeyer, here with my wife, Brenda. Brenda, let's explain to our viewers how the Everyone Olympics came to be, first of all.

Brenda: Well, Alan, when the news broke that the Tokyo Olympics had been postponed until next summer, there was a huge outpouring of disappointment. But then an idea began to take hold - a vision of an Olympics for regular people like you and me, competing as one gigantic online community. No more sitting and watching! Now everyone can participate, from their own homes!

Alan: And that's how it began! People all around the world began to volunteer their own special talents. Organizing their freezers! Running after toddlers! Soon a new vision of everyday excellence began to emerge - and with that, the Everyone Olympics was born.

Brenda: As we speak, we have thousands of inspiring non-athletes all around the world, participating by Zoom, showing their amazing talent as they make beds, flip pancakes, signal left turns and yes, even change light bulbs!

Alan: It's sure been an exciting day, so let's take a look at a few highlights! First, we'll check in on the Home and Garden Division. Brenda? (the camera switches to brief shots of various contestants in kitchens, living rooms, etc. Their scores are projected in the top corner of the screen.)

Brenda: As you can see, our Dish-Stacking Event has been quite exciting. Here, you can see Andrew Vang of Osaka, Japan, showing off his amazing tower of over 100 dishes, bowls and coffee mugs. I just love how he's balanced that final pot on those crisscrossed soup spoons - very creative! Oh, no, wait - it's toppling, it's falling - what a tragedy!

Alan: Well, let's move on to the final moments in the Cleanest House Event, which is still going on as we speak. As you can see, our judges are the athletes' partners and spouses, and with their white gloves, they're merciless, I can tell you! Here's our current champ, Adele Bisset, competing all the way from Paris. The living room looks spotless - but now it's time for the judge to check her work. She's climbing the stepladder - she's checking the knickknacks - oh, look at that dust! That'll be some points off, there, I think.

Brenda: Now it's time to head outdoors to the Weeding Finals, where our Australian finalist, Lucas Williams, is working in his back yard. Just look at his technique as he tackles those dandelions! Ooh, I don't think he should have swatted that mosquito on his forehead with the trowel. Glad we've got that mike on mute!

Alan: Ouch! Say, I was hoping we could show some clips from the Cleanest Litter Box event, but I'm afraid one of the entrants passed out and had to be removed from her basement and revived. She's since recovered, I'm glad to say. Let's take a look at the Working from Home events, shall we?

Brenda: As you know, this has been a challenging new event that has had millions of people practicing their skills over the past months. Here you can see the finals for the longest Zoom meeting, and there's our British champion, Cyril Overby, in the last minutes of his weekly staff meeting - oh, no! He's fallen off his chair. So close, and yet so far!

Alan: OK, folks, let's take a quick look at some of the Youth events. First of all, let's take a peek at a few highlights from the Teen Frustration Finals. Here we can see Stella Abrams from Manhattan, hurling her Tablet out the window and across the parking lot during an online Algebra class. Wow, look at it bounce!

Brenda: And here's the Teacher Head-Banging event finals - it looks like - yes, it's Stella's Algebra teacher! Looks like she's got a pretty good sized dent in that wall so far!

Alan: Folks, we've just gotten an update on the Binge-Watching Finals. As you know, the rules for this are tough: participants are only allowed short breaks, eat only cold pizza, and are disqualified if they fall asleep or drool excessively. And the race is close, that's for sure. I see Simon Becker from Los Angeles is on his last episode of Game of Thrones - he's been watching that series nonstop since last Friday. What stamina!

Brenda: Let's stop by the Window-Gazing Finals. As you can see, none of our entrants have moved. It's been four hours now, and I think some of them are at the breaking point. Oh, no! Did you see that, Alan? Juan Lopez just leaned over to pet his dog!

Alan: That disqualifies him, I'm afraid. Cute dog, though!

Brenda: Finally, folks, let's move on to the Mental and Organization Skills Category. Let's start with the Procrastinator's Event -

Alan: I'm sorry, Brenda, I've just received word that that event was cancelled. Apparently all of the entrants missed the deadline.

Brenda: Too bad! Well, here's a clip from the Lost Phone finals - our five finalists are have been looking for nearly half an hour - and it looks like LeBron Bradley, from St. Louis, finally found his under the sofa - we have a winner!

Alan: Folks, we're almost out of time, but let's end with everyone's favorite event, the Absent-Minded Old Codgers division. Here you can see our athletes, wandering aimlessly, having forgotten why they came into the room. I see one of our entrants' partners is reminding him. Very helpful, but a violation of the rules, of course.

Brenda: It looks like we're running out of time, I'm afraid. But do join us tomorrow night. We'll be airing highlights from the Most Creative Driving competition, the Out Of Tune Radio Singalongs and the Snoring Division.

So, until next time, keep practicing, and stay safe! 'Bye!

All joking aside, it's been such a blow, and such a sign of these painful times, to lose the Olympics on top of everything else - that symbol of skill, vitality and world unity we've enjoyed for so many years. We send our best wishes to the athletes who've worked so long, and who now have to make such a sacrifice. I know we're all hoping and praying that next summer we'll hear those trumpets again, and see our athletes from all around the world, healthy and strong, marching together once again.

Till then, keep safe, stay strong, and find your own way to be a champion!