"You can't break a habit by throwing it out the window.
You've got to gently coax it down the stairs." - Mark Twain
We've all done it. New Year's Eve comes, and as the countdown approaches, we think, this year, I'm finally going to... stop smoking. Lose weight. Exercise more. Stop yelling at my kids so much. Insert your resolution here! For a limited time only!
We all want to feel proud of who we are. We want to feel we're being the best we can be, or at least aiming in that general direction. And New Year's Eve is that time when we stand at the boundary between one year and the next, look back a little at who we've been, and make promises to ourselves, resolving to conquer one of our personal weaknesses. This year, this time, I'm really going to do it. I'm going to change.
You know how it goes. For a few days, maybe a few weeks, we grit our teeth and resist the temptation. Maybe we even throw out the junk food or the cigarettes. But then the day comes when we're tired, or in a hurry, or stressed, and - thud. Off the wagon, and into the mud of broken resolutions.
But this year, my friend, I'd like to pass on a suggestion, offered to us by the hard work of scientists studying the brain: Instead of trying to change your behavior, try changing your path. The secret to breaking bad habits doesn't lie in self-control or willpower. Our brains don't work that way. It lies in replacing old habits with new ones.
Imagine yourself walking through the woods. You walk the same path every day, and every single day you seem to end up in the same patch of thorn bushes. You grit your teeth and push through, and every time, you think, next time I've GOT to find a better way. But how?
To change a habit, we need to understand how our brains work.
If you think about it, much of what we do each day we do by habit. We don't have to think about how to put on a shirt or how to drive a car. Once we learn those skills, our brain very efficiently shelves them in the parts of our brain that handle the automatic stuff, so we can focus on other things.
Do you remember what it was like to learn to drive? I still remember clutching the steering wheel, while my mother sat next to me, patiently saying, "Now, make little adjustments with the wheel so you stay in the lane..." It takes a while before our brain learns those skills and they become automatic. Now you don't have to think about how to steer the car; your brain is free to watch for hazards, decide your route, and get where you're going.
But if you want to change a habit, you need to pull yourself out of that automatic mode and look carefully at the path of your behavior. That way, you can figure out how you keep ending up in those thorn bushes, and begin finding a new path around them.
See, there's a point before we get into trouble. We're hungry or bored or worried, and we get the urge. It can be hard to pinpoint that moment, since it's become such a habit we don't think - we just veer off down that path without thinking. But once we know where it is, we can make some important changes. We can put up roadblocks in front of the old path, and start making a new path that's easier than the old one. We can set things up so we don't have to be strong to make the change we want.
Changing your eating habits? Throwing out the junk food is a great start, but now you need to look at where the trouble starts for you. Do you overeat at certain times of day, or when you're on your computer or your phone? How can you gently make it easier to make better choices, until you make them without thinking? Here's a thought: If the evenings are hard, cut up veggies you like and put them out for nibbling. When you're done, brush your teeth. Congratulations. You've just changed the path.
Here are some questions that can help you get started:
1. Why do you want to change? How does this habit make you unhappy or unhealthy?
2. Why is it hard to change? What do you get out of it? How is it meeting your needs?
3. Evaluate the path: Where do you run into trouble - when you're bored? stressed? unhappy? at a certain time of day?
4. Envision a new habit: What can you replace the old habit with? How can you set up your life so you can do it that new way every day?
5. Make the old habit harder to do. Think of that old path - what obstacles can you put in the way?
6. Don't expect yourself to be perfect. Give yourself a little slack. Look ahead and plan for difficult situations, so you're prepared. But if you slip, don't beat yourself up. Think about what you can do differently next time. Then get back on track.
7. Give yourself regular feedback and rewards. Let's face it: changing habits is hard. Think of some ways you can treat yourself to honor the changes you're making.
When I first read this, I was intrigued. I'll try it out, I thought. So I picked a bad habit that I've been wanting to change: staying up too late. I stay up late - way past midnight, even when I'm dozing off over my book or laptop. I looked at my 'path' each evening: where could I put up a roadblock? build in a new path?
I tried this: after dinner, I fill the teapot and put out a tray with tea things and an evening snack. Then I put on the oven timer. It's loud, extremely annoying, and goes off every five minutes until you can't stand it any more and you have to get up and turn it off.
See, I've just set up the 'detour' - when that timer goes off, I have to get up, close my computer or my book, and I've now started a new routine. I make tea. I take it upstairs. I've gotten myself away from the computer game that beckons me to play just one more time, or the book that lures me with just one more chapter. My mind has begun to accept this new path as routine. Oh, it says, it's bedtime.
It helps. Oh, I'm not perfect, but I'm getting a lot better. Hmm. Maybe this brain science can really make a difference.
OK, that's enough preaching. But I hope you find this helpful if you're mulling over making some changes this New Year. And, of course, you're a great person just as you are - you know that, don't you?
So here's to your new year ahead, change or no change, and I hope it's full of blessings for you and your loved ones. Take good care of yourself, and Happy New Year!
P.S. Here's a good article that goes into more detail: The Science of Habits
Was very nice. Easy to understand.